The Spine Sizzler

Psst, hey you.

Come on closer. Don’t worry, I won’t bite… unless you ask nicely. But hey, who could blame you for wanting a piece? I’m like the ultimate afterlife snack pack.

So, you’re having trouble with the living? Got some pesky flesh-sacks squatting in your space, and need a little help scaring them stiff or sizzling them to dust? Well, lucky for you, I’ve got just the thing to make 'em scream all the way to the grave—or back to their boring little lives. Introducing… my custom-built, limited-edition "Spine Sizzler" lightsaber.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why’s the ghost with the most messing around with one of those glow sticks?” Well, pal, let’s just say I like to stay ahead of the game. When you’ve been hanging around as long as I have, you pick up a few toys. And this one? Oh, this baby’s got all the bells and whistles. Top of the line! Just try not to overthink it, or you'll end up over your head like the last guy—dead serious.

This bad boy’s got some killer details. The top? Yeah, that’s a glimpse of you in ninety years, decomposing like a gourmet cheese. And down here on the hilt? Feast your eyes on a hungry little abomination that’ll make short work of anyone who gets in your way. There’s more, but I’ll let your peepers do the work while you still got 'em.

But it wouldn’t be an original without my signature style! Yep, we’re talking black-and-white pinstripes, with a dash of that healthy green glow—the same shade that had my doc scratching his head and prepping the garden fertilizer.

So what’re you waiting for? I’m not getting any fresher, and those freeloaders ain’t gonna scare themselves. Even if this little beauty doesn’t do the trick, you can always use it to… realign someone’s spine, if you catch my drift. Remember, no back problems if you got no back!

I call this sucker the “Spine Sizzler.” It’ll be dropping in the RTS collection THIS SATURDAY, October 12th at 9am EDT. Be there, or be dead… again.